《非主流清穿》昨天新更的一章中，纳兰明珠对因病致仕的张英说：巧者劳而智者忧，无能者无所求，饱食而遨游，泛若不系之舟，虚而遨游者也。

这话原是庄子所说，昨晚上却让我感触颇深，思考至今。无能者无所求，无所求者是否意味着无能呢？之所以有此疑问，只因我自认为无所求，无所求者无所忧，但我却不愿承认自己是无能的。

新年回来的第一天，我想静下心来整理一下自己。从什么时候开始我成为一个无所求者？这不是一个突然的转变，七年时间的循序渐进，今年终于迎来最后一根稻草。

现在的我“饱食而遨游，泛若不系之舟”，随心所欲地做一切自己想做又能做到的事情，不在乎结果，不在乎别人的眼光，不求全，不委屈。我也不去想现在的状态对不对好不好，我甚至不关心未来。

我过年回家前突然想去济南，第二天我就去定了票，我不管现在的趵突泉是不是结了冰，不管回家有多麻烦，就为着在大明湖见到一个手提红塑料袋，塑料袋里装着收音机，收音机里响着黄梅戏，走路脚步生风的老大爷，我就觉得自己没白去。

我想成为一个博物馆历史文物讲解员，志愿的，不收钱。我没事就往博物馆跑，只因迷恋历史中的小细节，从帝王的野史八卦到市井百姓的衣食住行。

我想学日语，报了日语培训班，只因对《千与千寻》的片尾曲一直念念不忘。

现在我想写一本小说，那我就去翻阅资料，构思情节，我不管这个题材已经被写烂了，我不管有没有人会看，我甚至不管自己最终能不能写得出来。

也不用担心我会突发奇想去作奸犯科，我的本质变不了，我还是会好好做人，认真做好自己该做的事。

不论无所求者是否代表着无能，我都是个无能者，我又何尝真就清心寡欲一无所求呢？只不过因为得不偿失，我付不起那样的代价，除非上天恩赐，于是只好无所求。

明年的我会是什么样子？谁知道呢，总之是我该有的样子。

而事实上，当我意识到自己是什么样子的时候，我已经开始改变了。

我怕孤单，非常怕。

我孤单，非常孤单。

一个人做什么都显得可怜，你懦弱也好，坚强也好，孤芳自赏也好，曲高和寡也好，怎样都可怜。

以前我总是告诉别人，更告诉自己，一个人很好，我一个人可以做任何事情。是可以，但那又怎样呢，一个人就算征服了全世界，那也是孤单的，可怜的。

“谁让你可怜，我好着呢”，“最讨厌别人可怜我”，这话处处透着可怜的酸气儿。

心里就算痛如刀绞，乱如荨麻，也要做出好看的姿态，告诉别人我无所谓。。。这样也好可怜。

以前总是说不自由，吾宁死，可是现在我最不缺的就是自由，我又希望有些束缚，管着我也好，拖我后腿也好，就是别让我一个人。

就让我自怜自艾，谁都别搭理我，因为当大家都觉得我可怜的时候，我就可以去死了。

孤单是我自己的选择，我愿意承受这个选择所带来的副作用。

上面那些话不要理解成姐寂寞了缺男人了。

近几个月过得很混乱，看了很多，想了很多，可是没有答案。这个时候我一定不能做任何决定，脑子不清楚。

我认为红楼梦之所以能成为名著，有一个很重要的原因是它的不完整，不管是曹公没写完还是手稿丢了，它的不完整给后人留下了无数的创作空间，关于不完整的原因，关于每个人命运，那一大帮子的红学家，各有各的见解，没有标准答案，自己的想法都被自己不断推翻，能让你研究一辈子。我那样爱林妹妹，她小心眼也好，哭哭啼啼也好，我就是爱她，以前总试图寻找林妹妹的其他命运，现在却认为她确实该死。虽然宝玉最知道黛玉的好，但是他们俩还真不合适，两人在一起就不是过日子的。林妹妹早死早超生挺好的，来人世还泪水的嘛，还完就走多完美。

一次失败，不知道原因，让我一直揪住不放，不断反省，究竟错在什么地方，越想越多，发现错的竟不只一处，处处有问题，又好像都不是致命原因，没有标准答案，自己一直在推翻自己，没法解脱。若是直接了当的告诉我原因，大概很快就能彻底放下了，一身轻松，却是无趣至极，没有折腾也就没有收获。

我越想越觉得，我的情感竟是毫无道理可言的，我说不出爱你什么，所有条件、一切原则在你身上通通不管用。就算你秃顶也好，发福也好，穷困潦倒也好，怎样都好，但我只要看你一眼，只消一眼，万般柔情，涌上心头。

写完上面那些字，我清楚了，不需要答案。

     天气一暖和，我就活过来了。

      最近想得挺多，有些事我得记录下来，提醒以后的我，不管怎样都要相信美好，都要做一个好姑娘。

      从18岁到现在，我可以清楚的感觉到自己成长的痕迹，最明显的是我脱离了一个个低级趣味，游戏、

TVB、网络小说，我不是说这些东西低俗，我现在还是会做这些事，从中我也学到过不少东西，但更浪费了时

间。所以不要再沉迷，只当做消遣就好。

      最近我还爱把自己的计划嚷嚷得人尽皆知，只为不给自己退缩的可能，今年我要学会理财，学会国标，学

会说话，学会写有水平的东西，这些对我这个懒散的人来说都是挑战。

      我觉得自己很幸运，在我24岁的时候，找到了人生的目标。可能我不够聪明，但我是一个有韧性能够沉

下心来做事的人，我相信自己一定可以实现理想。同时作为女的，我可以不如别人漂亮，不如别人活泼可爱，

可是我一定要比别人有深度，有本事，所以要多读书多学习多思考。当然我还是会努力让自己变漂亮招人待

见的。

      下面我想说的，现在说这些也许为时过早，我不知道你是怎么想我的，可能你根本就没想过，我也不知道

你将会是什么态度。基本上我就是个笨蛋，做不来聪明人做的事，但请一定相信我的真诚，体会我的用心，同

时请保持你的单纯善良，这是我最看重你的地方。

无边的沮丧，在我身边的却都是些不相干的人，抱也不能抱，哭也不敢哭

头疼，听什么歌都烦躁

我不知道这是怎么回事，更不知道怎么办。

我想我是太累了，行走了太久，好不容易发现了休息的地方，再也不愿向前了，却又不知道这里是不是我该停留的地方，只能徘徊着，探询着。。。

我妈说胸大的都是生过孩子的。。。。敢情就我没生过孩子。

我妈说胡歌长了一张丫鬟脸。。。胡大帅哥的粉丝千万别跟我妈一般见识。

我妈说你跟我一起信基督吧，我说不要，我还得骂人呢（她跟我说信基督不能骂人）。

我妈说你怎么脸上都不涂点东西呢，眉毛也不化，你赚的钱不用给我，自己存着整容吧。。。我现在是有多难看

我妈说你不用着急找对象，30岁结婚都不晚的。。。我没敢出声，一边感动于我妈的深明大义，一边寻思我30岁能结上婚吗？

我妈说我知道你现在翅膀硬了都不想我了。。。我又没敢出声，因为这一年我真的很少想她了。

讨厌冬天讨厌冬天讨厌冬天，一千个一万个讨厌

     最近脚常常抽筋，据说是缺钙引起的，于是开始琢磨各种补钙方法：

1.多晒太阳。开玩笑，我宁愿缺钙

2.多运动。还是算了吧……

3.吃药。我做人的原则之一：不到万不得已不吃药，是药三分毒。

4.吃含钙量高的食物。同事跟我说最好的方法是吃奶酪，我在超市里奶酪前思考了很久，最后放弃了，奶酪好臭啊。又听说蛋黄的含钙量高，我倒是不讨厌吃，可又听说蛋黄高胆固醇，吃多了对女性身体有不良影响。。。。。。最后决定多喝牛奶，见效慢就慢吧，好歹是个可行的方法

太多东西要学，太多东西要考虑，太多东西要买。。。。。。

我想好好过日子，想有自己的房子，可以种花种菜养小猫

我有好多小聪明小把戏，想找个人陪我玩

我想请朋友去吃港式火锅

。。。。。。

     毕业两个月了，从去年这个时候就开始折腾，刚开始一门心思找工作，后来又想考研，买了一堆书结果都送人了，再后来又考公务员，结果面试被刷下来，最后还是决定找工作，又不知道找什么样的工作，浑浑噩噩。工作前前后后换过四次，网络编辑，销售助理，销售代表，到现在电影公司的行政，中间还一门心思的想过做服装运营管理，并且做了一天的服装店店员，累得要死，并且发现我不是真的想做服装。机缘巧合之下找到了现在这份工作，开始也只是想做做看。前两天还在踌躇到底要不要考研，最后还是决定继续现在的工作，因为我喜欢电影，因为不确定读研的结果，而且这么大了再让家里养就不像话了。

      我不后悔这样折腾，这一年我成长了很多，每一天我都变得越来越好。

      现在的这份工作也不能让我完全安下心来，我不怀疑自己的能力，我有这方面的天赋，我确定我能做得很好，可是我不了解这个行业，又不是科班出身。。。没事，我还年轻还可以折腾折腾

      感谢父母从小给我的教育，感谢童年那些动荡不安的日子，感谢大学四年内心的那些煎熬，让我现在还可以无谓地傻笑，还可以相信未来是美好的。

     在一个地方呆久了，就想换一个新的环境，以前我以为这是因为我想看到不同的风景，体验另一番天地，看完《百万元与苦虫女》，才发现原来还有其他原因的，我想逃避，因为总是有那么多不完美的事让我心存芥蒂，那么就换个环境远离这些憾事吧，我潜意识里是这样选择的。

     想着毕业以后的生活，很多事情不知道该怎么办，我不知道。

     人生也许充满遗憾，可那也是我活下去的原因之一，就这样吧，十年之后总该有个结果的。还是去面对吧，那些不完美到处都有的。

     不管整天愁容满面还是开开心心，都是要去面对这些事的。 我现在能选择的，就是开开心心地过日子，问题总是能解决的。

只是随便说说，没有品头论足相互比较的意思。

2008年9月26日至10月12日 19：30，北京城市蜂巢剧场，《恋爱的犀牛2008版》在这里演出，我想去又不想，喜欢这部戏，可是我真正想看的是段奕宏的03版，当初是因为他才看得这部戏的DVD，才发现了郝蕾，这个如此让人震撼的女孩。时间没法倒回到03年，我没机会现场感受这样有魅力的男子与这样个性的女子所演绎的，这样美丽的戏。我想把台词都贴出来，那些词句写得真是，新奇又贴切，太长了，贴个链接吧http://home.ustc.edu.cn/~linanzi/xiniu.doc

     99版
　　郭 涛 饰 马 路
　　吴 越 饰 明 明
　　
　　03版
　　段奕宏 饰 马 路
　　郝 蕾 饰 明 明
　　
　　04版
　　段奕宏 饰 马 路
　　王 柠 饰 明 明
　　
　　08版
　　张念骅 饰 马 路
　　齐 溪 饰 明 明

《豪猪的距离》是学校影艺学生的毕业大戏，我有幸在学校免费欣赏到他们加演的一场，现在到外面演出改名为《豪猪式恋爱》，也不知道为什么改。当时现场看的时候只顾着笑得肚子疼以及心疼那些摔来摔去的演员，并没有好好欣赏其他的东西。

我还是喜欢《恋爱的犀牛》多些，也许是因为心中的遗憾。

应该说这个秋天特别冷，九月就很冷，天天下雨。

十一长假的第五天，是时候整理一下，刚过去的九月，我做过的，想过要做的。

自从有了目标，我就没再烦过，一心只想要离它更近。

看完的书：《影响力》《水煮三国》《哲学与人生》《激荡三十年》《杜拉拉升职记》《浮沉》，因为总是睡前躺床上看，没做读书笔记，吸收得并不多，不过还算没白看，起码我现在不会再受推销员的蛊惑了，也学会了理性分析，说话做事现在总会想什么样的方式才是最好的。有些书有必要抽时间再看一遍，仔细写笔记。我现在对畅销书已经没什么偏见了，俗是俗了点，可是浅显易懂，很实用。在我这也算是一种进步吧，对任何事物都不应该有偏见。

关于英语的学习，进步不明显，我想总是有的，现在这件事时刻都在心上，每天我都会抽点时间学两个口语的flash，没事总会带着耳机听，看电影看美剧身边放个小本子，在地铁上也总在思考如何翻译。再接再厉。

找了份实习，全职的，耽误上课，可是我觉得现在上课对我不重要，至于考勤的问题，我顾不了那么多了，车到山前必有路。这份实习我很想做下去，主管虽说脸臭了点，可还是个好主管的，能让我学到不少东西。

这两天就在屋里呆着看电影，想去798和南锣鼓巷，可大家都没什么时间，回家了的，要考研的，自己去挺没意思的。

What I’d Tell Myself if I Were 18 Again

I like to joke that I am who I am today because I did everything wrong in my 20’s. I’ve always been fearless, and it often got me in trouble. I wasn’t afraid to start a business, borrow a bunch of money, or quit a well-paying job to travel the world.

At the same time, the fact that I took chances (and often failed) gave me the wisdom that I have today. Lessons learned through failure tend to be much more meaningful than lessons learned otherwise.

Now that I’m in my 30’s, life is pretty good. While I haven’t learned it all, I feel my head is screwed on straight enough that life is much less stressful. I’ve come into my own and built the foundation for a secure and prosperous future.

Even though things are going well, I often imagine what it would be like to go back into the past and teach myself what I know now. I know enough to be certain that I lost most of my twenties to a struggle with debt and poor decisions. If I had done things differently, maybe I could have been where I am now at age 22.

Could you imagine? Self employed and almost financially independent at age 22? No… not almost. My expenses were much less back then… I would have been financially free!

I know, it doesn’t do any good to ask what if. If I had known it all at age 22, I probably would have been a little cocky. Doing things the hard way seasoned my character. I like who I am and I wouldn’t change a thing.

But what if…

What I’d Tell Myself at 18

Sometimes I imagine that I’m in a fishing boat, thousands of miles away from the life I know, slowly drifting across a lake. As I recline at an uncomfortable angle created by the wood bench and aluminum hull, I glance over at the 18 year-old version of myself and upload my wisdom to him.

Here’s what I say:

Don’t be so Serious

Relax… You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. I know it can seem like the most important thing in the world is fighting the good fight, but don’t let your life pass you by in the process. There’ll be plenty of time for starting businesses, writing books, creating art, and solving the world’s problems in your head.

It’s impressive that you do those things at such a young age, but life is really about experiences. Above all, it’s about sharing experiences with other people. Sometimes when you’re all wrapped up in your own head, doing the things that you are determined to do, you miss a chance to connect with other people.

So take it easy. Have some fun. Do something crazy. Let loose. Call up some friends and share some great moments together.

Don’t Be in Such a Hurry to Grow Up

A funny thing happens as you age: The older you get, the less of a hurry you’re in. You’d think it would be the other way around: the less time you have, the more of a hurry you’re in; but it’s actually quite the opposite.

At 18, it seems like you have to rush everything before you get too old. You think you have to graduate college, get a good job, and get married before you turn 22, because (for some reason) you think 22 is old.

Don’t take being young for granted! Being a kid without responsibility is a thing of beauty. I know you don’t appreciate it now, but you will when you’re my age.

22 is just getting started! In fact, life gets more enjoyable as you age. As you learn more about yourself and the world, it gets easier to enjoy what the world has to offer.

Your 20’s are the perfect time to explore the world and experience new things. If you grow up before you turn 22, you’ll have missed a perfect opportunity. Experiences at 18 are just not the same as when you’re 25.

Travel, art, culture, sport, and adventure take on a whole new meaning when you have had some experience to build on. As you add layer upon layer, each experience is more rich than the last.

Choose Experience over Material Possessions

If you’re ever faced with the choice of upgrading your lifestyle (an apartment by yourself, a new car, new clothes, etc.) or working less so you can experience more; chose the latter.

When I was your age, I thought I needed to have nice stuff so girls would like me. I ended up working so hard to pay for the stuff that I didn’t have time to meet girls.

Working hard is for grown-ups. Be a kid for as long as you can, even if it means living with a roommate in a crappy apartment and riding your bike around town.

Besides, girls aren’t going to like you for awhile anyway. What they really want is a man with a little confidence and life experience under his belt. Working too hard will just delay that process.

Be Confident

Oh yeah, you might as well get a head start on your confidence. Believe in yourself no matter what. Don’t let self-doubt ruin your chance to meet a new girl or to try something new.

I know I just said that girls aren’t going to like you anyway, but that’s not entirely true. While you are accumulating the wisdom that comes with life experiences, your best shot is to project confidence.

Always act like you know what you’re doing, even if you don’t. The biggest turn-off for a girl is self-doubt. If she still doesn’t like you, take it with grace and move on quickly.

Don’t start doubting yourself if you get turned down. You’re going to get turned down A LOT before you finally get the girl.

Don’t Get Attached

When you finally do get a girlfriend, take it easy. Along the same line as not trying to grow up too quickly, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that this is the best girl you’ll ever get. The second biggest turnoff for a girl is an 18 year old guy who’s already thinking about marriage.

Relax a little and enjoy the moment. Besides, you’re going to have several girlfriends before you find “the one.” How are you going to be able to know what you want if you don’t have anything to compare it to?

As you get older, you’ll naturally become more attractive to women. I had no idea this was true when I was your age. I thought that I was as attractive as I’d ever be. Not true.

It gets easier, I promise.

Don’t Get a Credit Card

If I didn’t get a credit card when I was your age, I would have saved myself 10 years of financial struggle.

I know it seems like you have to be a grown up and have nice things, but you’ve got to think long-term. If you can just have the patience to hold off a few years on the nice stuff, you’ll be able to afford more of it than you can imagine.

Buying something today on credit because you can’t wait will impact your financial situation for years to come.

Simply have the mind to save up for what you want to buy. If you buy with cash, you’ll always own what you have, and be free to do what you want.

When people build up debt and monthly payments, they become slaves to their job. They have to work to pay for all the junk that they put on their credit cards.

Put Money Away Every Month

Take this advice and you’ll never regret it. Open a savings account and set up an automatic withdrawal from your checking account each month. Don’t touch the money, NO MATTER WHAT!

Even if you can only afford $10 a month, you must stick to this plan because it’s your ticket to freedom. In five or ten years (whenever you decide to grow up), you’ll use this money to invest in something that makes passive income, like real estate.

Travel and Learn a Language

One of the wisest decisions I ever made is to live in another culture long enough to learn the language. (Read The Secret to Learning a Language for detailed instructions.)

Don’t just take language classes and backpack around Europe at a furious pace; immerse yourself in a culture. Pick a place and stay there for several months.

The best time to do this is the year after you graduate from college. You’ll be old enough to appreciate the experience, but young enough that you won’t have any responsibility.

If you took my advice about taking your time to grow up, you won’t yet be attached to a mortgage payment, a job, or a girl. Move all your stuff into a corner of your parent’s basement and live abroad.

It’s actually a lot more affordable that you might think, especially if you don’t have any expenses at home. Get a job in your chosen country if you need to.

Don’t allow yourself to hang out with other English-speaking people. That’s too easy. Force yourself to learn the language. It will be frustrating at first, but the life-long benefit will be greater than you can imagine.

Keep a Journal

Get a Moleskine Notebook and carry it in your back pocket wherever you go. Don’t be a perfectionist with it, just jot whatever comes to your mind in it.

Having a journal will help to solidify your thoughts. The act of writing helps to close the circle of ideas from your head to your hand and back to your head.

Plus, you’ll have a record of your thoughts for generations to come.

Get to Know People

As you travel and try new things, make it a point to meet people. As I said before, the most valuable things in life are shared experiences with other people.

There is so much you can learn from people. Open your mind and take in different perspectives. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand why they think the way they do.

Your success in life will depend on your network of people. It’s impossible to achieve success in a vacuum. You never know what opportunities will present themselves when you meet new people.

There’s No Rush to Have it All Figured Out

When I was your age, I felt pressure to have my life’s purpose figured out. I think a lot of young people think there’s something wrong with them if they haven’t “found themselves” by age 22.

Most people don’t figure things out until much later in life (if at all). That’s what your twenties are for: exploring different paths, making mistakes, falling on your face, and building your character.

Take your time figuring it all out. You don’t want to rush such a grand decision as your life’s purpose.

Savor the Moment

Experience the textures, sights, sounds, and feelings of each moment. Time moves faster than you think. Your youth is special and you’ll want to remember it for the rest of your life.

Start Businesses Without Borrowing Money

When you decide to start a business, don’t go into debt over it. Most businesses fail, and it’s better to be left with nothing than to not have anything and still owe someone else money.

Pick a business that doesn’t cost much to start and grow slowly, reinvesting your earnings.

Choose a business that’s as passive as possible. Bulk vending is a good one to start with while you’re young.

Stay away from services. I made the mistake when I was your age of starting a T-shirt design service. The problem with services is that you have to re-create your work if you want to get paid again. Find something that pays you over and over for work done once.

Pick Something and Stick With It

Once you’ve had your fun traveling the world and being young, find a line of work that you are passionate about. Don’t worry about the money, that will come with time. As long as you are out of debt and putting money into savings each month, you’re going to be just fine.

Don’t get into the habit of changing your mind all the time. Each time you change course, you lose all your start-up energy. Learn how exponential growth can affect your level of success in your chosen field.

If you are passionate about what you do, and stick with it, you can’t help but be successful.

Back to Reality…

It’s fun to think about what might have been, but in reality, we can’t change the past. Ten years from now, I’ll have a whole new list of things I wish I knew in my 30’s. I would do well to take my own advice, and enjoy each moment.

TVB电视剧中常有啤酒妹的角色，各种性格，不同遭遇，各有各的故事，啤酒妹一直是我心驰神往的职业。

从来都没机会去酒吧，有幸在宾馆里见到了一位。我和她一起乘电梯。她胖胖的，穿一条白白绿绿的小裙子，像个鲜艳的啤酒瓶，头发盘起，脸上的彩妆很彩妆。在电梯中我打量她，眼光尽量柔和（杜哲教我的，偷瞄别人眼光要柔和），她看不出任何的不适，早习惯了吧。

她自有自己的性格，自己的遭遇，这些我无从了解。

越来越有冲动去体验一番她们的生活，我可以吗？